Sequelmania strikes! America rejoices!

  Hollywood executives held a blowjob party in Beverly Hills this week, where bowls of cocaine and a ton of high-dollar prostitutes were in attendance. The reason? REVENUE. This has been a banner year for sequels, prequels, reboots, reimaginings, redos, and other movie business fuckery that has the heads of all the major studios literally shitting gold.
  "We have just been a fucking roll with these things," remarked one exec, in between handjobs from several young production assistants. "I mean, it's as easy as going through our back catalog of projects and randomly pointing to shit and saying, 'Yeah, fuck it, let's do this one again.' God-DAMN life is good."
  When asked about original ideas, or possibly taking on scripts from new writers, he laughs. "Oh, that's good. That's really good. Why in the fucktoast would we want to risk all this on something interesting and entertaining when we can just serve the people reheated scrambled eggs for breakfast? Fuck 'em. They're filling our pockets and we don't have to do shit except pull off some cheap, half-assed rehash of something that already bought us several mansions and a yacht. Living the dream, baby. Living it."

Trump Debuts New Hairstyle

  Perhaps tired of people remarking on his strange, fluffy combover, Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump switched things up this week, treating onlookers to a brand-new version of The Donald.
  "I've got my finger on the pulse of America," Trump said to reporters. "My candidacy has been about giving the people what they want from day one. Racism, ageism, hatred, misogyny, beautiful hair. That's what this campaign is about."
  Trump, who has recently been under fire for remarks he made about former supermodel Heidi Klum, and also an ongoing feud with Fox News' Megyn Kelly, and insults he leveled at actress and tv host Rosie O'Donnell, and off-the-cuff barbs he made about immigrants, and violations of privacy information he engaged in by giving out Lindsey Graham's personal phone number, and, well, you get the idea- Trump says he "doesn't care what people think" of his new hair. "I don't have time to date anybody right now," Trump says. "I'm sure there's an endless supply of bimbos who want to get a piece of this," he said, pointing to his flabby midsection. "You're gonna have to finish cleaning up in the kitchen first, and then maybe we'll talk." Lastly, he added, "No fatties or Mexicans, though."

Police Officer Shoots, Kills Cup of Coffee

  "I was in fear for my life," said LAPD officer Brent Moore, in a press conference on Thursday. Others in his department, however, are not convinced.
  Tracy Parks, an administrative secretary from Moore's precinct, believes Moore may have overreacted. "I was the one who brought him that coffee," she said. "He had asked me for it, and I came back with it about, I dunno, two minutes later, maybe. I sat it on the desk right next to him, and he didn't say anything. It probably scared him when he turned and saw this cup of coffee suddenly right in his face. Still, he should have thought things through before just shooting." When asked if the color of the coffee had anything to do with the shooting, Parks had no comment.
  The incident comes less than a month after the same precinct experienced another shooting; this one in the men's restroom. Officer Dan Greene reported seeing a man with a gun and firing on the individual, fearing for his own safety. The intruder turned out to be Greene's own reflection in the mirror above the sink.
  Both officers are currently on paid leave pending further investigation.